Knockout writing

I wrote this in Paris. It's rather juvenile but I decided to post it. Let me know what you think!

H was staring out the window.

‘We’re a worthless bunch of lowlife’s’

‘you sound like a b-grade crime noir detective’

‘you sound like my dad’

We were sitting in H’s livingroom, unsure of what to do. The sofa was uncomfortable, each of us was a little uneasy. We all new we wanted to do something, that burning desire to make something of our youth rather than let it waste away. If only we could pur our finger on what we wanted. I shifted my position.

Lucy stood up, accidentally knocking the light with her head. Lucy is tall and she always underestimates herself. It’s as if she is unaware of her own body and isn’t in the habit checking to see how she relates to the space that she occupies.

‘well, we should at least do something’

Nobody replied.

There is a time just after high school where no one really knows what they are doing. We all had a direction, university, a job. But none of us were really aware of who we were yet. We didn’t quite know how we fitted into the world or how we wanted the world to be for us. Somehow it’s painful. Even though you know that in 20 years time you would look back at it and long for the freedom. Right now that freedom was overwhelming. I think that’s why some people have so much trouble getting through their early 20s. Too much choice can box you in.

So we jumped in the car and drove. Twisting around corners I thought to myself at least fear of death at the hands of a teenage driver is a feeling. I knew I wanted to keep on living, I just wasn’t sure what I wanted to live for. Everything that had kept me occupied for years had gone out the window around the time that a boy had turned up. Maybe I had used sex as an excuse to give up on my beliefs that never really satisfied me anyway. Giving in to the sin of lust was easier than admitting that I was completely apathetic about religion. Now there is just blankness. The emptiness that drives people towards religion in the first place.

We drove across town to a party where H had a connection. It could be good, it might be terrible but at least it is something to do. H was driving fast. She liked it that way. I don’t think she even realised how close to death I felt half the time. She liked to fill her time trying new things. Experimenting. She started with sex when she was young, trying to fill some of the void by producing those chemicals that make you feel good after. Or maybe it was just that she liked to be different, liked keeping people on the edge of their seat. She made people at school feel insecure, they thought she was strange and couldn’t understand how she could be happy when she was so different to them. The thing is, most of the time I don’t think she is happy, she is just confident.

H was good to have around. She would never let you get too close and there were no real feelings but there was always something interesting around the corner. Her parents named her Hayley because she was born at the same time that Hayley’s comet passed over. A lot of kids our age are called Hayley. Not as many as are called Sarah or Jessica though. Probably because its not a very nice name. that’s why she gets called H. I think in a few years she will probably change her name completely.

We got to the party. Lots of students and a few punks and hippies. I like punks the best. I like the way they pretend they are different even though mostly they are the same but with tighter jeans (which I like). Some of them truly try to make a difference but most of them just make shitty music (which I also like). There was one guy, Mark. He lived in the house that the party was at, he was a little older than the rest. I decided to have a crush on him, I think because he was older and I thought that maybe he had it figured out. I asked him where the toilet was, looked down shyly, brushed the hair from my eyes and then looked back up at him directly in the face for about a second. I always think that guys will understand what I suggest with this look but they never do. Maybe for a second he will catch that shimmer of youth: I want you to teach me about the world. I also want you to fuck me.

I found Lucy doting over the cactus collection. I had a drink for her. Some kind of fruit punch made with cheap spirits. Looked like the night was starting to get better.

‘I wonder if these plants are practice or in stead of’

‘instead of what’

‘children’

‘probably practice. All these kids think they are alternative but deep down they got brought up in the same society as us. You get it drilled in to you, a desire to get married and have children.’

‘you think they’ll all get married?’

‘and divorced’

Lucy didn’t understand my pessimism. Her parents where probably the only people I knew who were still married. They truly seemed to love each other. Their family unit just seemed to work. That’s just my view form the outside though, who knows what happens behind the scenes. Maybe they have somehow worked out a formula for dealing with discrepancies. Maybe they are both meth-heads and don’t have time to argue.

‘I think you’d be a good mother’

‘I think I would be a good dinosaur too, but I don’t think we will ever see either of those situations’

Lucy started giggling as we both walked around the big kitchen table pretending to be T-rex’s, our drinks spilling on the lino floor. Someone put the Monster-Mash on the record player and suddenly a whole bunch of people flooded in from outside and started dancing with us. Zombie arms and twisting torsos, it seemed like half the party had joined in on our dinosaur dance. I caught Marks eye across the room. Suddenly some rocka-billy glam girl called Blanche came in and stole the floor, polka dots blazing.

‘Don’t you hate it when attention seekers steal all the fun’ H had snuck up behind me without me realising. I hadn’t seen her since we first arrived ‘want to come outside?’ She grabbed my hand and led me through the door.

H was excited. She held on to my hand as we walked across the porch. I was used to it and I didn’t really care any more. She used to take me to parties where I didn’t know anyone and introduce me as her girlfriend. I wasn’t. I wasn’t even vaguely inclined, we had kissed a few times so I could see what it was like. She said she liked it, she preferred it to boys. She told people she was a lesbian for their reaction even though everyone knew she was fucking lots of guys. She said that she should be the one to choose her own labels. Ideally she was correct but unfortunately people didn’t always see it that way.

‘check this out’

‘what is it?’ H had just started her foray into drugs. Up until now it had just been weed mostly. Now she was out of school, had her own place, her own income and university schedules left her more free time. The best thing about this stage of life is having a meagre but highly disposable income and very few responsibilities. Drugs were a new experiment, a million different ways to feel.

‘K’

‘horse tranquillisers?’

I didn’t know much about drugs but I know that at a party a few months back a guy called Frankie had taken K. He was a real nice guy, really good looking. He didn’t tell anyone that he had taken it and he ended up jumping up the walls of the courtyard and going crazy. The party was at a friends house, Jen, her parents were fairly liberal psuedo-hippy types. When they saw Frankie they didn’t know what to do, the kid was jumping up the walls, they thought he was going to hurt himself. After that they made a rule that if you were going to try something you had to write it on your wrist so Jen’s parents had a better idea of what was going on.

‘what do you think- take it now or save it for later?’

‘depends on whether or not you are planing on driving?’ I was as apathetic about drugs as I was about religion. I knew it wasn’t for me but I wasn’t going to stop anyone from doing what they wanted.

‘Depends on what you want to do. We can walk over to Am’s house from here to sleep. Or you can drive?’

I held up my cup of punch. Too dunk to drive. Looks like our nothing night had turned into a something at least. H decided to save the K for another time, she said this party wasn’t right for it. She disappeared around the corner with Al, I guess she had something else in mind.

I started talking to a guy about documentary film making. It was interesting. The process of making films has always interested me. Documentaries are alright, I like David Attenborough. He was interested in sub cultures, wanted to make a film that explored some of the themes and interests of the northern suburbs punks. They’re a tough bunch of kids. Some of them try really hard to make a go of it, setting up shows, writing songs, getting 7” pressed. I asked if he had ever read Hebdige’s ‘subculture and the meaning of style’. He hadn’t heard of it. I told him it was pretty much post modern bullshit anyway. Stick to the facts.

It was getting late. I decided it was time to split. Nothing interesting was happening and I decided I wanted to work on some writing for uni the next day. That guy had got me thinking about film. I wanted to get home and get some sleep. I said goodbye to H and Lucy, whatever Al had given them it seemed to be working. I walked down to the train stop ad followed the tacks back through the suburbs. This is the kind of thing my mother would always tell me not to do late at night. I knew she was right but I didn’t pay attention. I almost enjoy the adrenalin rush of the fear. Plus, no one had ever bothered me before.

That blankness in my life had blanked out most things. Fear was maybe the one thing that got my heart racing again. I guess it was the same H and the drugs. Finding what makes you feel helps you to find the things that make you you. Being stupid is just a symptom of being so young, I don’t realise the warning in my mums voice comes not only from worry but also from experience. As I walked I realised I was excited about writing and film. The fear that being so young and stupid will make these things difficult is hard to overcome. It would be easier to be indifferent. Its hard to know if its worth trying to be something when you still have no idea who you are. You can only make your life go so fast, you can only learn some things by doing it yourself.

I got home and fell into bed. I was lucky enough to be alone, to have some time to think. I wondered what H was doing. Hoped that she wouldn’t drive. Its funny the different ways we waste time in some kind of attempt to find ourselves. Give me some more time to waste. I’ve got a whole lot of nothing to achieve.